Breathing

Another old piece of writing I came across. This one scared me; I forgot how far gone I was. I almost didn't include it. Thankfully I can say that I am well past this point and am happy and healthy.

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Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and find I cannot breathe.  With a start, I sit up abruptly, and all I do is gasp for air.  I reach out, trying to grab handfuls and stuff them in my mouth… to no avail.  Suddenly, as quickly as it stopped, the breathing comes, slowly but surely and I begin to calm down.  

We often do not give our breath the credit that it deserves.  It is the one thing that links all humans on this earth.  Everyone must breathe to survive.  It is our life-force, our prana or chi.  Nevertheless, we march happily along in our lives, ignoring its importance.

I wake up and begin my daily rituals.  First I must weigh myself in, to record every half-pound gained or lost.  This often determines the course of the day to come: a little to over will cause irritability or the lucky pound under is a cause for celebration.  Today, I weigh in at 102 pounds on my 5 feet, 6 inches frame.  One pound less than yesterday.  I reach for my measuring tape where I must measure my waist to ensure that no changes have been made since the day before.  Since, as everyone knows, weight really doesn’t indicate your true size…

I step inside the shower, feeling the water rush over my emaciated body.  My roommate told me the day before, as she saw me changing, that she could see all the ribs in my back.  I pull my fingers through my hair, looking helplessly at the handfuls that have come along with it.  I don’t understand why my hair to keeps falling out.  

I start eating breakfast.  It’s the usual half-cup of cereal (134 calories) with a touch of milk (37 calories), both of which has been carefully measured out.  I hide as I do this so my roommates won’t see.  They wouldn’t understand.

I sit through my Engineering classes, trying to concentrate on the lecturer words.  I receive my latest midterm results from one class; disappointment devours me as I see the failing mark.  

The day goes by in a haze; I wander through the halls going to each of my classes.  Meeting up with friends, attempting to be my usual cheery self, and trying to hide the screams that are inside me.  I want people to notice.  I want them to ask me what is wrong, why look so sad all the time.  The truth of the matter is, I don’t know why.  I don’t know why and how this emptiness has formed inside me.  I don’t know what I would say if they asked.

I prepare my dinner with methodical care.  A small amount of rice, a few vegetables; carefully discarding anything that may be too heavy or fattening.  I attempt my assignments, trying to ignore the grumbling in my stomach, and soon the night ends.

When I lie in bed, in the dark like this, my thoughts begin to absorb me.  Often I cry, and for no apparent reason.  I don’t know why I’ve changed.  I feel like I’m trapped inside myself, and I can’t get out.  

I wake up later on, again gasping for air.  It dawns on me then.  I’m looking for my life.  The life that I’ve lost, the one I want back, but have no idea what path led me here and no idea what path leads me out.